random

New addition: insomnicaticthoughts.com

diversity at its best

Sometimes I want to cuddle.
Sometimes I don't want anyone to be within 4 feet of me.
Sometimes I want pizza and football.
Sometimes I want sushi and conversation.
Sometimes I feel like I could change the world.
Sometimes the world is on top of me.
Some days I want to be in China.
Other days I want to be on a beach.
I'm a constant contradiction.
I don't have myself figured out.
My needs involve making others happy, except for when I'm in a "non-people mindset."
I know my strengths, flaws, loves, and passions. They don't always line up.

I'm sure we all have these moments, but it is impossible for us to determine what we want out of our lives if we haven't found ourselves. The more often I try to find myself, I just get lost in the beauty of the world. I want to be everything. My different sides shine at different times, and not one person can inhibit those needs. I need more than one person, and I'm sorry I don't treat you well if you can't meet those needs.

Peace

This picture of the Tibetan Peace Flags continues to take my breath away. Each flag has printed prayers and other deities to dispel the obstacle of life. They are then strung from mountains to blow in the wind so the prayers can be carried. The colors represent the following:

yellow: earth; green: air and wind; red: fire; white: water; blue: space

This pictures shows me that even other cultures strive to live peacefully. Often times, much more peacefully than Americans. Write your thoughts/prayers/feelings down, submit them to the wind. Even if you don't believe in a higher power. I promise it WILL make you feel better! We often view "flags" as a means of "giving up," but this isn't the case. It's merely a symbol to show that we can be helped in ways unimaginable.

This week > last week

Why?

Well.. My life is in my own hands. More so, it's in the "Big Guys" hands, but for those that think that's "crap," it's in my own! :D

1. I've stopped worrying about things I can't control at this moment in my life. I can't plan for the next year, I don't know if I;ll be in Niger in the Fall, and/or Chicago in the Spring.. and quite frankly, I don't need to stress about that now. If things happen, that's awesome, if not there are other things for me.

2. I have started eating breakfast. Today was the first day I didn't (dang 6AM shifts). I was starving by 11:00. Breakfast is something I should do, I even had someone sit by me!

3. I actually enjoy working at Fareway. In the past, I didn't like the people I worked with, but now it's actually fun and (some) of the people are pretty awesome.

4. Relationship stresses are absent. I can't worry about my future AND work around others.

5. I learn everyday how to work (go to class or live) with people who think differently than I do.

Prayers

People are always asking how they can be praying for me.. and here is my response.

Pray for the kingdom, pray for God's will. In all areas of life, one should consider what is best for the kingdom of God, rather than us as individuals.

...still, you may ask, "What about your life and your contribution to the kingdom?"

March 10th my room-mate and I will be leaving for our 2nd trip to Pignon, Haiti. In total we are about halfway to our fund-raising goal. This trip will be different than July, primarily because we won't know the entire team, and we are the only college students.

There is a possibility that I will be serving as a missionary in Niger this fall. One of my duties would be home-schooling the missionary families children. I made a good friend from Niger while I was in China, and it has been on my heart since that day. Don't pray that the opportunity will work, but rather that God will lead us in the right direction and give me the courage to with-drawl from Central for a semester!

Grandma Helen

Grandma Helen is the most wonderful lady I know. She has a strong faith, and the will to do anything she wants. She has a great sense of values.

She's 82. Her friends have all passed away, she lives with her son. She can't drive. She barely walks. Her heart will live on forever.

Today I picked her up for church. Picture 20 people over the age of 80 and myself sitting in a one room church. It's beautiful. She's beautiful.

After church, we went to Maid- Rite (be surprised! It's not Taco Johns!).. We ended the day bowling for my brother and sisters birthday!

Relationship Rant

To whomever needs to hear this:

Please, for the life of me, stop worrying about my relationship status. If I am in a relationship, I will tell you. If you are a close friend, and I care about your opinion, I will ask you. I'm not planning or not planning on being in a relationship in the near future. You asking me all the time just makes me want to run away and get married in Vegas.

For the record, I'm not in a relationship. I don't have my life figured out, and I won't make other people suffer for my confusing life plans.

being happy.

The follow things make me happy:

1) Talking about life with friends

2) Sitting in my room alone doing NOTHING

3) Praying, meditating, whatever you call it.

4) Making others happy.

Looking into number 4, there's a problem. I know how to make lots of people happy, which makes me happy. In return, that confuses the HECK out of me. I don't need to hear that I am a good girl friend, or that we are "super compatible." Everyone can say that.

independence.

In a conversation with my mother, we determined there is a lesser of two evils when it comes to "training your daughter" with relationships.

1: Teach them to be dependent and fall in love easily..

2: Teach them to be defensive. Teach them to guard their heart and always be cautious.

I think I fall under number 2. I've seen how relationships fail time and time again. I get nervous, I react in ways I wouldn't normally act.

life.

For some reason, I have been super stressed recently about absolutely nothing. I just feel like I need to take a break away from people, which is odd because I usually need people.

I'm sick of fake connections with people. I'm sick of life being abstract. I'm sick of not having real friendships and it being too late to pick things up again. I'm sick of being in a terrible mood for no reason. I'm sick of not being able to focus.

I love the people who are putting their worries down to care about me, but at the same time, I just want to figure out my own stuff. I struggle to be independent so much that I end up shutting myself down from the world.

man crushes

To be honest and vulgar, many "people" seem to have adopted these strange "crushes" on me.

Prime Example: Today at work, a boy came up and put a sticker on my shirt. He was putting the sticker on "the boob region," and it wasn't sticking.. He kept trying to stick it, and it wasn't working. His dad walked in and was rather confused. After my sticker was stuck, the boy put a sticker on another girls shirt.. this time on the bottom of the shirt. Here's the conversation:

Dad: "yeah, that's a good spot for that sticker."
Boy: "yeah, there's too much glitter on the top part."

I guess I need some glitter shirts.

So, five year olds are crushing on me. Don't read into this blog at all, it was totally unintentional and it's just plain funny.

focused

I am not a PROCRASTINATOR, just not too keen on staying FOCUSED.

Organization.

Mule Wreckage

(condensed version)

One bright September day I was riding my mule Cojack and leading Blaze. A truck drove by really fast, and my mom yelled a few choice words because Blaze was a colt and the truck scared my poor horse.

The truck turned around, and my mom thought she was going to get her ass kicked.. but as I learned later, that truck was going to stop the truck that was bolting down the hill behind me. As I tried to get off the road, I couldn't go anywhere. The only options were a 20 foot-drop, or a bunch of trees. Cojack did the right thing by turning his hind end toward the truck and taking the hit. I went up over his head, and he ended up in the back of the F-350.

As I was laying under the truck, I opened my eyes to see nothing but the grill. I was directly under the middle of the truck, still holding my mules bridle. I could hear the lady on the phone saying there was blood everywhere (there was no blood) and my mom screaming. My shoe was under the tire, and mom was sure that's where I was.

911 received the wrong address, so I laid under the truck for 45 minutes before they arrived. I talked to my mom about boys the entire ride to the hospital before the doctor said, ".. Does she normally do this?" My mom responded, ".. Yeah, it's normal."

I was in ER for about 4 hours, and then I was sent home. We found the mule laying in the front yard with Blaze still tied to him. The mule couldn't walk, but somehow he got home.

As for the lady, she was our neighbor. She felt awkward living next to us, so she moved to town shortly after.

New Eyes!

Check out my left eye in this picture!

I had muscle correction on Monday, and my eye looks like it did when I was hit by that truck back in the day! (for those that don't know this story, I'll make a post about it.)


On Monday, my Daddy took me to Des Moines and the doctor stuck a needle in my eye and fixed it. Now, it looks awesome.

The funny story... (there's always one)

As I was in the chair, the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me while the nurse put the IV in my arm. As he was talking, I started sweating and getting really tense. I couldn't hear anything he said, and felt like I was dying. I had a blanket on because the gown was rather "showy".. and I ripped the blanket off and had a minor sense of dying. The doctors shut off the lights and gave me a washcloth. They then made my dad come and sit by me until I calmed down.

The doctor was concerned because half the surgery was supposed to be done awake... but he managed to get the whole job done while I was knocked out. Then, it took them an extra hour to wake me up.

As for all of this sweating and freaking out about an IV being in my arm... my only concern is children.

Dear Lord, I couldn't even take the IV. I have told everyone I'm going to have 20 children someday?